?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Chief Jack's Galley

There's a place for people who laugh at nothing...


May 12th, 2008

I got your update right here.... @ 05:10 pm

Current Location: 30062
Tags: ,

I haven't posted much of an update lately (it's been at least a week), so here ya go, warts and all. Adult language not withheld, so I'm putting this behind a cut tag...



The weekend...well, the cats have a habit of pissing into electrical outlets in the kitchen, and managed to trip the breaker. And, every time Mary would go down to the breaker panel and turn the breaker on, the outlet would emit a loud "BANG!!!!", sparks would fly and the breaker would trip again. So, we had to call the electrician and get new outlets installed, and there is now a large appliance in front of each outlet. We also had surge protection installed in the house and bought a separate surge protector for the office (and the computers) that handles both the electrical outlets and the cable line. I love the little bastards, but there are times I wish that there was more hell to pay when they do shit like that. I swear, bladders with fur...

We have shades on the skylights in the living room. The skylights are great when it's 25 degrees outside, but not so great when it's 85 and the sun is beating down, so the shades are great. They are battery operated, so we have a remote that opens and closes them. Problem was, one was working, the other was stuck in the "up" position. So we had the guy who installed them (who must disappear into an alternate universe when he leaves here, because we have the hardest time getting hold of him) come and take a look. He must have been here an hour and took the shade down, and determined that the electrical eye is malfunctioning. Good news is that the part has a lifetime warranty; bad news is that the guy is going to come back whenever he is back in this universe, and God only knows when that's going to be.

My phone rang this afternoon. I didn't recognize the number, but I answered anyway. It's a customer telling me that their data's not loaded, even though I could swear that I've run the job to load it to successful completion twice now, the input looks right, etc. So, I'm running it a third time after formatting the data differently. You might remember a month or so ago that I was bitching about this, the customer that had the data and I had no freaking clue how to load it, and I had to figure it out (and I think I did it right). We'll see what happens now.

I've spent an inordinate amount of time since the stroke beating myself up over the past. Stupid shit I did, lousy decisions I made, not telling my mother to fuck off and let me live my life my way, things like that. And, I've spent just as much time wondering what would have happened if I hadn't done the stupid shit, hadn't made the lousy decisions, told my mother to fuck off and let me live my life my way, etc. I realized the other day that all I'm doing is making myself miserable. And I hate it. I don't like people who do that kind of shit, I think they're absurd individuals that are just looking for stuff to hate themselves or, even worse, are looking to blame their problems on other people. And, I hate to admit it, but I'm one of them.

Well, no more. I've decided that it's time to make peace with the past and let it be the past. Whatever happened then happened, I can't go back and change it, and I'm an idiot for thinking that I can. I'm going to learn to forgive myself for doing stupid shit, let bygones be bygones, and move on with my life. You remember the Permanent Record that the nuns used to threaten you with, the one that they said would keep you from being the president of GM because you flunked a math quiz that you weren't ready for in second grade? I just realized, it's bullshit, and they were assholes for telling you that it wasn't. You know what? Two of the places that I went to school are closed now, and all my old teachers are dead. And anyone who wants to remember me for the stupid shit that I did is wasting their time, and they need to grow the fuck up.

Sorry to fill your eyes with this, but I needed to say it. Thanks for reading it.



A belated Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mothers (and/or grandmothers, aunts, teachers, etc.) or have mothers and/or grandmothers, aunts, teachers, etc.
 
Share  |  |

Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:anahata56
Date:May 12th, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
(Link)
If I didn't love you before, John, you just sealed it.

Bravo.
[User Picture Icon]
From:lisapt
Date:May 12th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
(Link)
((hugs)) John. Sorry you have felt stuck, but glad you hear you are moving on. While I read your post I thought of a Bob Bennett song, "Lord of the Past."

Lyrics here:
http://lyrics.crossmap.com/track/bennett-bob/lord-of-the-past/lord-of-the-past.htm

I know it has Christian content, but it is good anyway :-)

I can't imagine how haveing that stroke must have effected your view of the world. Hang in there. Here is to hoping the cats pee in the litter boxes, the blind's guy's universe overlaps ours soon, and the customer goes away happy.
[User Picture Icon]
From:anderyn
Date:May 13th, 2008 01:17 am (UTC)
(Link)
Do you have this song? Apparently it's not available right now on CD or on any of the music sites I frequent. Sigh.
[User Picture Icon]
From:lisapt
Date:May 13th, 2008 01:38 am (UTC)
(Link)
Ed has just about every Bob Bennett CD (at least all he could find). Bob Bennett wrote some amazing songs and is great on the guitar, but for some reason, he never got popular.

I'll see if Ed will lone you the CD.
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 13th, 2008 03:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Christian content doesn't bother me. That was a very lovely song. Exactly the kind of thing I've been praying for.

The stroke didn't affect me as much as the six weeks in the hospital. You end up spending a lot of time alone in the dark, and since I had a terrible time sleeping (due to an overactive bladder) I had a lot of time to think. My view of the world changed tremendously when I was home with Mary and the cats, and finally got out of the sick room (the room in the basement where I stayed for about a month while I was getting my strength back). It was really great to finally be out of the hospital and part of a routine.

As for the cats...yeah, good luck with that, right?
[User Picture Icon]
From:anderyn
Date:May 13th, 2008 12:50 am (UTC)
(Link)
It's always hard to give up the "might-have-beens" -- but I figure the here-and-now is pretty good, right? You're here, Mary's here, we're here and the cats are here. :-) What else can we ask for?!

Many hugs and reminders that for my money, you're about the best dude (and ex-wife) I know!
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 13th, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
(Link)
The here and now is a heck of a lot better than the past. Yeah, the "might have beens" are nice to have, but at best they're pipe dreams, and who's to say that things would have turned out anything like we imagine they would be? A bird in the hand might be worth two in the bush, but it's still a bird in the hand. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what you have is infinitely better than what you might have had, and that you should never take what you have for granted.

Best dude AND best ex-wife you've had? Now THAT'S a compliment.
[User Picture Icon]
From:treetown
Date:May 13th, 2008 03:24 am (UTC)
(Link)
Lisa says that you and I are a lot alike in some ways. I think this is one of them. It's awfully hard for me to forgive myself for some things, even mistakes made and opportunities wasted over 20 years ago. (I just realized that I've given myself a longer sentence than many violent criminals get.)

If I have a heart attack or stroke or something, I'll blame myself for not losing weight when I "should have". Like I haven't been trying for the last few decades, or something. But this is your blog, not mine, so I'll stop whining now.

Ever watch "Good Will Hunting", with Robin Williams? At the end, he says something profound: "Will, it's not your fault." And he repeats it, over and over. It's like that for you and me, too. It's not our fault. Some of that stupid stuff we did, or stuff we should have done but didn't -- we didn't make it that way. I was too afraid of my dad to ever stand up to him, because of how he treated me when I was young, not because of some failing of my own. Stuff like that. It's our responsibility to move on from it, of course, and some stuff truly was our fault. Either way, as you say, it's time to forgive ourselves and move on.

I second Lisa's recommendation of Lord of the Past. And maybe the book "Wild at Heart", by John Eldredge. I'm not "there" yet, but both have given me good shoves down the road.

On a lighter note: I know it might not (yet) be funny to you, but when I read about your cats and the outlets, I laughed so hard I cried. They definitely have "whiz-bang" aim...
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 13th, 2008 04:18 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Twenty years is easy. Try 52...yeah, I was still beating myself up for things I did as a kid, which I was never allowed to forget. That's a life sentence. I just added stuff I did along the way to the guilt pile, and added the regrets on top. Now, I've decided to learn from my mistakes and forget about it. I was a stupid kid, but we all were at one time or another, right?

Suggestion: watch your blood pressure and cholesterol, too. I had a cerebral hemorrhage because my BP was high enough for two people. No kidding...at one point it hit 240/120. They were finally smart in the hospital and called a nephrologist who has it down to 110/70 or lower. I'm still about 150 lb overweight, but my BP and cholesterol are good. I can work on the weight.

That's a really beautiful song. I'll have to look for the book...my doctor wants me to read Eckhart Tolle, but he's a bit too New Age for me.
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 13th, 2008 08:51 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Whiz bang??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 13th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I know what you mean. Just SAYING it makes me feel 1000 percent better.
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 13th, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'm really surprised; I thought I'd lose friends over this. Turns out it was more profound than I thought.

You can make a pass if you want, but Mary will tell you they usually go over my head...
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 13th, 2008 08:52 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That would not surprise me in the least.
[User Picture Icon]
From:wingguy
Date:May 14th, 2008 12:38 am (UTC)
(Link)
It's good to hear that you're beating the demons. Mine are a little different; I continue to think how much better I could have done in school, at work, elsewhere had I demanded more of myself. Too late now.
[User Picture Icon]
From:john_holton
Date:May 15th, 2008 12:06 am (UTC)
(Link)
Actually, I have, or had, my regrets about those things, too. It ain't worth it, y'know?

Chief Jack's Galley

There's a place for people who laugh at nothing...