John Holton (john_holton) wrote,
John Holton
john_holton

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At last! A real honest-to-goodness update!

It's been over a week since I've put something of any substance out here in the old journal, and seeing as how I've got about 45 minutes to kill, it's high time that I did, wouldn't you say?

I haven't been exactly invisible in these parts. I've been contributing to two communities, memory_muse and chi_white_sox and have been following the exploits of my friends, but apart from that, no news from the big guy. So...

To begin with, I haven't found anything that pays me to do it yet. I've been contacted by or have contacted several people over the last couple of weeks who appear to be interested in what I can do for them. Not necessarily training-wise, but definitely interested in my work and the skills and talents that I've built over the last few years. It's been nice to hear from them, but as I'm often fond of saying, plenty of smoke, no fire just yet.

I'm beginning to enjoy this being out of work thing just a little too much, I'm afraid. It's very easy to get caught up in the pleasure of getting up in the morning and not having to deal with a jerk of a boss, a job that is unsatisfying, a schedule that goes for months with nothing to do, then suddenly buries me under weeks at a time where I'm flying all over hell's half acre doing God alone knows what. On the other hand, I'm also finding that I'm getting too involved with stuff. Nothing productive, just stuff. OK, so I'm running the networking meetings for my parish's networking group while the guy who normally does it goes to work setting up the voting machines for the coming primary election. I'm busy investigating alternative health care sources, since I can't afford the real thing anymore and since I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that the real thing isn't worth shit anyway. I've been working with a personal trainer (did I mention that we joined a health club?) so that I can take off a few pounds (say, 150 or so) and bring my blood pressure down to where it "should" be. But mostly, I'm hanging around, with nothing but vague ideas about what I really want to do with my life.

I find myself asking myself, do I really want to do this training and development thing? More to the point, I'm asking myself if I really want to waste my time doing what I did at my old company all this time. And the more I think about it, the more I feel like saying, no, I don't want to do that. I want to have a job that's fun. That's when I hear my mother's voice: "J-O-B does not spell fun, Johnny dear."

And you know what? Mom was right. And you know what else? That's wrong.

A few weeks ago, I wrote that this would be a better world if everyone worked and no one had a job. I'm sticking by that. More to the point, the world would be a better place if everyone followed their dreams. You know, I've forgotten what my dreams were. I've been so busy "earning a living" and "having a job" and "working for a software company" and having my identity defined by what I did for a living, even though what I did for a living sucked and I hated doing it, that I've forgotten what I really, really, really, really, really, really want to do for a living. The only thing that I can remember that I wanted to do that badly when I was a kid was to pitch for the White Sox. (The icon I've used, by the way, is of Hoyt Wilhelm, who pitched for the Sox when I was a kid and who was a sort of hero of mine.) When I was in high school, I wanted to play the guitar for a living. By the time I finished college, all I wanted to do was crunch numbers.

That's what our education system really teaches: Yes, there are people who can make a living by singing or throwing a fastball or telling jokes on Johnny Carson, but there's a good chance that you aren't one of them, and you're wasting your time thinking that you are, because We (the royal "we") don't think you sing all that well, or throw all that well, or are really all that funny. Is it any wonder that so many athletes, comedians, actors and artists were such lousy students?

Well, I've got to be going. Sorry for the navelgazing on your friends' page, but I just had to get that off of my chest.
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