John Holton (john_holton) wrote,
John Holton

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Thursday evening

I feel like crap. I started feeling this kind of head cold feeling on Tuesday evening. By yesterday evening, it had gotten worse, and I found myself awake at 3 AM, trying to breathe through my nose, and it just wasn't happening. I did finally get back to sleep, just in time to wake up at 6 so that I could follow Mary to the Honda dealer so she could have some recall work done on the van. By 8:30, we had already taken two long car rides, had breakfast and were ready to get on one another's nerves.

I've been making half-hearted attempts at finding work. I heard from a lot of people when they found out that I had left Geac, I sent out a few resumes, and haven't heard anything since. Part of it, I'm sure, is that I haven't been following up on these people, but you know, I just haven't felt up to it. I don't know if this head cold thing has been coming on for a while, or if I'm depressed, or what, but the fact is that I just haven't had the "wanna" to do anything. We're doing all right money-wise: we've got all the necessities and a few of the luxuries covered through the end of the year, and part of me would love to just skate through the end of the year, but I know that if I don't get my ass in gear soon, it's going to be damn near impossible to get myself going again. That's not good. Obviously, I'm not being much of a self-starter these days, so that's one thing I should cross off of my resume. Well, it's not on my resume, but still...

The thing is, I'm still in "working for Geac" mode. I hang around, watch TV with Mary, go to my physical training sessions, sit in my office and stare at the computer for hours at a time and don't get anything productive done. There are things that I can be doing. There are things that I should be doing, but I'm not doing them. I go through the job boards on CareerBuilder, Monster, HotJobs, etc. and look for things that I can do, and I don't see anything that I'm qualified to do, and I get frustrated. I think about going into business for myself, but that's all it turns out to be--thinking about it. And, the more I think about it, the more I think that I'd rather not do what I was thinking of doing. The more I think about it, the more that writing for a living appeals to me. But I don't write. I think of a thousand and one excuses for not doing it, I procrastinate, and I don't actually put my ass in a chair and write. Not with paper and pen, not with computer (except for journal entries and replies to other people's journal entries). I sit and I think of the things that I'd really like to say, but none of it gets written down, none of it gets read into the computer, none of it gets typed ... you get the idea.

I know, instead of whining about it, I should just do something about it. Easier said than done. I'd rather whine. Hell, I feel like I've earned the right to whine. At least for a while. But not for much longer. I'm driving Mary crazy, I'm driving myself crazy, and I'm driving you all crazy with this constant bitch, bitch, bitch.

What I should do is relocate myself during the day. Take a notebook and pen and go to the library in the afternoons. Get up at 5 and drag my butt out to the deck with a notebook and pen. Get myself away from the house, away from the computer, away from all of the distractions that are preventing me from getting anything done. That will take some effort, but it's what it's going to take.


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