"I bought a dog. I figured it would help me meet women. Turns out the dog was using me to meet other dogs."
"I'm in bed the other night, my wife rolls over and says, 'take out the garbage.' I tell her I already took out the garbage. She said, 'then go out and keep an eye on it.'"
"I got to the airport the other night and get in a cab. Just for fun, I ask the driver to take me where the action is. He took me to my house."
"I grew up in a tough neighborhood. We used to bowl overhand."
"I got up this morning, I go to put on my shirt, and a button came off in my hand. I pick up my briefcase, the handle comes off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"When I was a kid, my parents used to have to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me."
"The other night, my wife says, 'take out the garbage.' I says, 'hey, you made it, you take it out.'"
"I went to the beach with my parents one time, and I couldn't find them. I went up to a police officer and said, 'you gotta help me, I can't find my parents.' He says, 'Gee kid, this is a big beach, they could be anywhere.'"
And, a few from Caddyshack, definitely on my list of funniest movies of all time (OK, maybe not direct quotes, but how I remember them):
"Oh, geez, get a load of this hat. This is the most hideous looking hat I've ever seen. What, you buy the hat, you get a free bowl of soup?" (He turns around and sees Ted Knight wearing the hat.) "Oh, looks good on you, though."
(Several minutes after that incident, to Ted Knight) "Hey Whitey! Where's your hat?"
Caddy: Hey, what do you have in here, anyway?
Rodney: Listen, when I was your age, I'd carry blocks of ice up, four, five flights of stairs...
Caddy (tossing the bag down): So what?
Rodney (tearing open a compartment in his bag to reveal a radio): So what? So, let's dance!
(At the big dinner party at the club):
"Hey, sweetie, I bet you were hot in the days before electricity. How'd you like to make fourteen dollars the hard way?"
"Geez, the last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it."
"Now I know why tigers eat their young."
What a legend. Rodney Dangerfield dies, and I'm sitting here laughing my ass off.